To recap, I am 40, married to a wonderful woman, Heather, and am Male to Female Transgendered, living full time female since last October. My wife has her OSO Russ, who lives with us also. There has been a lot of issues between myself and them when they share intimate times together while I am in the apartment. Recently, they both had the opportunity to go to a convention in Atlanta together. I gave my blessing to this as I couldn't go, but when they were there, I fell into the old routine of trying to control her behaviour with him, and I've had to deal with the repurcussions ever since. Well, to be honest, for quite some time beforehand also, as I've been really bad about doing this sort of thing to them. I have recently started a new job as a regional truck driver, and only get home on weekend or every other weekend. Russ also drives over the road and doesn't get home as much as I do. We all try to stay in contact with each other via phone or Skype VOIP.
While I was home the past 3 days, Heather and I had several discussions about the state of things. I was given three options. 1. To accept that she loves Russ, and to deal with it. 2. To not accept it and deal with the consequences. 3. To end our marriage and live as partners/lovers. I do not want no. 3 at all. Being married to her means the world to me, even if her idea of marriage and mine are not the same.
She has told me that I have the option also of dating others. Well, this sounds good in theory, but I wonder if it can ever happen. I would only want to date females or other transgendered individuals, and they would of course have to be accepting of my own transgendered status. We are also involved in the Furry Fandom, and whoever I dated would have to be accepting of that as well. Not to mention, I am not looking for another primary relationship, just secondaries or "friends with benefits" sort of relationships. So I see these as very limiting factors. I do not know where to even start looking for anyone else. I do have three good friends who I have had past relationships with that seem interested, but distance makes it rather difficult.
So I guess what I'm looking for here is advice. Advice on where and how to find other partners, advice on how to deal with and accept the fact that Heather does love Russ, and that will not change. I was also asked recently how it would affect me if he moved on in the future and she found someone else afterwards. I don't know how that would affect me at this point. All I know is I do NOT want to loose her, and will do anything I can to ensure our relationship lasts. I just don't know how to start or what to do.
I'm crossposting this to a couple other poly communities as well, so forgive me if you see it more than once.